Letter to My Son Just Now

Nick, 


I'm really pleased you'll have your freedom in less than 2 weeks. It was great seeing you yesterday on What's app. By the way did you know it was 2 years ago or maybe 1 year I forget that we saw Deep Purple together? 

I just watched 'Smoke on the Water' from that concert on Facebook. You looked really good yesterday. Glad you're working out as you are. Yesterday it was sunny here, today cloudy. I just ate some tomatoes and mozzarella cheese with olive oil, salt and pepper. Delicious.

I liked how you said you had had enough of just laying around. Life is about movement, getting stuff done, some accomplishments even. You and I had an unbelievable adventure in Victor NY and Denver CO. Learned a lot about you and about being a father and a man. In some ways I'm glad those days are over as no one likes being targeted by corrupt police but I miss the fun we sometimes had even in the dark times for me. I am grateful I got to unwind that mystery that had been wound so tight, why my relationship with your mother was bad for reasons beyond my control and to be your dad for each of those 2 years and 14 days without her. 

Memories are of course very personal and only you and I have those memories, crappy Victor school, the police making sure you had a weird Latino teacher in Denver and the looks you and I got from that principal. Your mother and I disagree sometimes about how you didn't finish traditional high school. You were right. They were making sheep. Still in our world better to have graduated from high school than not. 

I still think a career as an auditor for you is OK for reasons I've described to you. I wouldn't mind going back to work myself. There is something pleasant in being part of something larger than oneself. Though I am grateful to be alive and to have had these last two years to myself in ways unexpected. I am grateful that your mother and I have whatever it is that we have that can be called a relationship. We are civil. Yes those earlier lies remain and that wears on me when I think about it. I started a blog, maybe someday a book. Who knows. Need to get that story out of my system and enjoy my days, hopefully being around to support you and to be part of your life as that was very nearly stolen from me. I don't forgive that. Boys need their fathers. What your mother did sickens me though intellectually I understand what she did and why it is that people make some really dark choices in this world. Sorry I was gone for 14 months from your life because of her lies and those of others. I choose love over hate as regards her. Hate is such a slippery thing. Hard to hold on to. Love more pleasant and more subtle and in the end maybe that's all we have that matters. Don't know. I would love to hear your opinion in these things as you continue to grow.

I love you.

I am your dad.

And this will always be so.

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